Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce a new and improved Linux distribution, Linux XP! It is the distribution that has all the most popular features of Windows, combined with the stability of Linux. Here are some of the special and innovative features of Linux XP. Please, be patient: this list is long.

1) Ease of use. One of the reasons why Windows is so popular is its ease of use. Some excellent improvements have been made to Linux XP. For example, the command line is often confusing people, and it looks too much like MS-DOS, so Linux XP doesn't have a command line at all! The X Window system starts up automatically when the system boots up, the user won't be able to switch to another virtual terminal, and there are no terminal emulators whatsoever. This way the user doesn't have to watch the command line at all!

Another thing that is confusing users are the permissions. It's confusing that a normal user can't write to, say, the /usr directory. Linux XP doesn't have this problem, because every user on this new and improved distribution has the same rights as root!

2) Improved BSOD. The BSOD is one thing that a Windows user sees regularly, and it may be hard to get used to the fact that there are no BSOD's in Linux. But Linux XP has it's own improved BSOD that occurs every now and then, and because the Linux XP's BSOD has a beautiful shaded background, it's even more pleasant to watch than its Windows equivalent.

3) Clippy. Since many users migrating from Microsoft Office will miss Clippy, Linux XP has its own version of Clippy: Tuxedo, a cute penguin character that looks like Tux, and it will be even more helpful than Clippy. For example, when the user opens a wordprocessor, Tuxedo suggests websites that teach how to read and write. And when the user moves the mouse, Tuxedo tells the user what is a mouse, how it is used, and displays a mouse tutorial.

4) Beautiful desktop. Linux XP uses a modified version of KDE, with a look and feel similar to Windows XP. A screenshot can be viewed here.

5) Cheap Service Pack. The license for using Linux XP for one year costs $1500, but the user will probably want to buy the Service Pack Improved Features Package Ultra Plus. It costs only $700, and it contains some useful bugfixes and features, like the new Teletubbies, Barbie, Candy and Moomin desktop themes, and if you buy quickly, you'll get a pink sickbag with the themes.

6) New marketing strategy. The marketing strategy of Linux XP is new and innovative. We have currently sued every other company and organisation that maintains and develops other Linux distributions, and we have sued Microsoft for using the letters XP in their products, because it can lead to a confusion between Linux XP and Windows XP. Very soon Linux XP will be the only operating system available, and when it is, we will increase the price of it by 200%. So order your copy and a one-year license now and save money!

7) We keep you up-to-date! Every year we will send you an offer to upgrade to the newest version of Linux XP, because if you don't, the next time you upgrade, it will cost you $1000 more than normally. So we encourage you to have the newest technologies available!

Do you have any suggestions how to improve Linux XP even more?