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Thread: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

  1. #31
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    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    --- RIpped this of a poor lost soul at LNO ---

    Dr. Seuss explains why computers sometimes crash

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is
    interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes
    your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to
    report.

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the
    double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is
    corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless
    and your system's gonna crash!!!

    If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is
    connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel
    to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the
    hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so
    your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well
    reboot and go out with a bang, 'cus sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's
    gonna hang.

    When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro
    code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the
    memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer
    and be sure to tell your Mom!!

  2. #32

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    ROTFL!

  3. #33
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Time for another free laugh from me to you guys and gals... Enjoy

    ------------------
    These are actual comments left in 1997 on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

    "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

    "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

    "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

    "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

    "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

    "All the mile markers are missing this year."

    "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

    "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

    "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

    "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

    "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

    "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. please eradicate these annoying animals."

    "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

    "Need more signs to keep area pristine."

    "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

    "Too many rocks in the mountains."

  4. #34
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Are you telling me that humans are the most intelligent animal on earth ?
    I beg to differ!
    ---
    YOU MEAN ME?
    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
    ---
    MADE FOR TV
    Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
    ---
    The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
    ---
    [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
    ---
    I Do Believe I'll Steal me some Electricity

    [Dallas Morning News]
    Fort Worth, Texas

    His house filled with darkness, Jimmy Cooksey stormed out the door determined to one-up the electric company, police said. "I'll show them," the man said, according to a police report. "I'll turn on my lights."

    Mr. Cooksey, standing in the bed of his pickup truck, used a homemade pole to try to connect the breaker to the feeder box at the top of a light pole, police said. The plan backfired and pumped the 36-year-old backhoe operator with nearly 14,000 volts of electricity. Eight weeks later, recovering in Parkland Memorial Hospital, Mr. Cooksey said "I lost my legs... I'm not really ready to talk about it. There's been a lot happen to me."

    The late-night blast on Oct. 19 not only injured Mr. Cooksey, but also sparked several small grass fires, ruptured a natural gas line and caused several transformers to explode. The injured man's neighbors said they could hear his screams a block away.
    ---
    Zealot Loses To Gravity

    JAKARTA, Indonesia - A man charged with murder thought he could beat the rap by taking advantage of a legal loop hole. Apparently, policeman are not allowed to arrest someone who is in the midst of practicing a religious ritual. So he began to stand on his head, which is a ritual practiced by a local cult. After days of being upside down, he surrendered to authorities complaining of numb feet.
    ---
    This Bud's for You

    PORT O'CONNOR, Texas - Two commercial fishermen are in deep trouble for what authorities say was their unique interpretation of the slogan, "This Bud's For You." Daniel Joseph Doiron, 37, of Louisiana, and Robert Charles Johnson, 41, of Port Bolivar, are accused of stealing a Budweiser beer truck. "They were laughing when they got to jail," a sheriff said. "And when they sobered up they still thought it was funny, but they won't think it's so funny when the judge sees them." The men stole the refrigerated 18-wheeler as its driver was making a delivery inside Clark's Seafood Restaurant. A deputy pulled the truck over a few minutes later.

  5. #35
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    FT. LAUDERDALE, FL - Donald Leroy Evans has been nabbed as the prime suspect for killing a local prostitute. Evans has petitioned the court for two unusual requests. First on the petition agenda was his desire to be allowed to wear the white robes of the KKK. Secondly, Evans wanted to change his name to Hi Hitler, so everyone, when reading the charges, would refer to his idol. It seems that Evans watched a lot of documentaries and thought the Nazis chanted "Hi Hitler" instead of "Heil Hitler."
    ---
    This from a medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The student quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
    ---
    DETROIT, MI - One of the most bizarre airplane hijack attempts recently occurred on a flight from New York to Detroit. A man jumped out of his seat, brandished a gun and declared, "This is a hijack, take me to Detroit." When the stewardess informed him that the plane was already heading to Detroit, the man sat down without another word. He was arrested immediately after the plane landed.
    ---
    Six people near Norias, Texas were hit by a freight train last week. Authorities said the victims were sleeping on the tracks and failed to wake up in time. A Union Pacific spokesman explained that the six were probably sleeping on the train tracks because they believe it would protect them from snakes... and it did.
    ---
    BANGKOK, Thailand - Teens everywhere try to get kicks in different ways, but this new craze sweeping Thailand called "pumping" is truly bizarre. What is this you ask? Well "pumping" involves placing the nozzle of a bicycle pump up one's rectum and literally pumping air until the air escapes from the posterior making a loud, vulgar sound. Apparently the louder the sound, the more amusing. A 13-year-old, Charnchai Puanmuangpak planned for a record and proceeded to place an electric air compressor hose up his backside. He was admitted to the hospital with internal bleeding.
    ---
    SAN FRANCISCO, California - 45-year-old suspect, Harold White has been charged with one of the more bizarre crimes to hit this unusual city. He has been charged with disturbing the peace with a high powered magnet! It seems that White would stake out piercing parlors thereupon following women who recently had body parts pierced. He would then get close to them with his magnet in an attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with the magnet.
    (This guy is even weirder than I am.. - LC)
    ---
    PARIS, France - Two teenagers were arrested and were nearly killed after they created a subway disturbance. Apparently they were walking down the tracks in between stations when the young stud began kissing and fondling his girlfriend. One thing led to another and they began to make love in between the tracks. If it were not for a vigilant conductor, authorities said they would have surely perished.
    ---
    SAN ANTONIO - According to APBnews, heroin addict Micah Sheehan was caught using a fake penis while being urine tested for drugs by his parole officers. According to eye witnesses, the telltale signs were evident by the bleached pink appearance of the penis, and the fact that when he urinated it came out in a sprinkler-like fashion. The final give-away came when he fumbled his organ and it fell on the floor. His failed attempt at avoiding a drug screening could mean a return prison sentence where he will be required to bring his real penis.
    ---
    DETROIT, MI - A woman suspected of shoplifting was crushed to death on Wednesday when after hiding in a garbage compactor. After being detained by guards at a Value Village store the woman took an unguarded opportunity to run. Officer Glen Woods said. "I guess the first place she ran to hide was the compactor," he said. "Once she jumped in, she triggered the machine." The compactor starts automatically when it senses a certain weight.

  6. #36
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Here are some of the questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

    Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
    A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

    Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face North and you should be about right.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
    ---
    ALBUQUERQUE - Police investigating a break-in at a computer store have more than enough evidence to work with courtesy of the would-be burglar. Whoever broke into The PC Place left behind a pizza delivery hat, a trail of blood and a pager, complete with a home phone number.
    ---
    CAPETOWN, South Africa: "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, andextensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths...

    "It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher".

    "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times)
    ---
    Troy, NY - What do you do when you are drunk and want to hear someone talk dirty to you? Ask Harold Reinke. It seems that after a hard night of partying, he called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute. There was only one problem. The inebriated Reinke fell asleep while getting an ear full and woke up hours later still connected. The bill? Only $7164.
    ---
    Sao Paulo, Brazil - What do you do if you are a Siamese twin and your better half really gets on your nerves? Don't try what the late Marco de Solisa did to his late brother Roberto. After a heated argument, Marco pulled out a revolver and shot his brother in the head. They shared portions of the same circulatory system and when Roberto died, Marco soon followed.

  7. #37
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    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    I found these at Thinkgeek.com www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/fun-stuff/dotcoms.shtml. Since I found a lot of these to be funny, I thought that I would share them with everyone.

    DotCom - Creativity is the art of concealing your sources.
    DotCom - C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
    DotCom - Dain bramaged.
    DotCom - Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
    DotCom - I cant be fired,slaves are sold.
    DotCom - If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
    DotCom - NEVER, NEVER question the GEEKS judgement
    DotCom - Press any key... no, no, no, not that one!
    DotCom - Quiet - Alpha Geek at work.
    DotCom - The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can. Dont make me choose.
    DotCom - Time flies when you are sick and psychotic.
    DotCom - You know you're an engineer if you have no life & can prove it mathematically.
    DotCom - Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive.
    DotCom - And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?
    DotCom - Avoid clichés like the plague
    DotCom - Blessed are the Geeks, for they shall internet the earth.
    DotCom - Chaos! Panic! Disaster! (My work here is done)
    DotCom - Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bullshit before.
    DotCom - Department of Redundancy Department.
    DotCom - Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
    DotCom - ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F-1 to continue.
    DotCom - I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
    DotCom - I PROCESS, therefore I AM
    DotCom - It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others
    DotCom - Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
    DotCom - NEVER, BUT NEVER question the ENGINEERS judgement
    DotCom - 90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
    DotCom - Obviously, you are incapable of assimilating the extent of my genius.
    DotCom - Penguins are our friends
    DotCom - Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive (the damn thing blew up)
    DotCom - Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
    DotCom - The beatings will continue until morale improves.
    DotCom - The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." So I installed LINUX
    DotCom - The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
    DotCom - We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?
    DotCom - We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.
    DotCom - When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you
    DotCom - When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.
    DotCom - <--Your information went data way -->

  8. #38
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    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane


  9. #39
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    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Here is some stuff that my supervisor sent to me. Thought everyone could use a break from the important stuff .


    THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK BUT CAN'T

    1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of s#*&.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

    10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

    11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

    24. Do I look like a people person?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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