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Thread: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

  1. #1
    Guest

    Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Help us to understand our customers' lifestyles, please:

    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

    1. You are?
     Mr.  Mrs.  Ms.  Lt.  Gen.
     Comrade  Classified  Other
    First Name:
    Initial:
    Last Name:
    Code Name:
    Password (max 8 char):
    Latitude/Longitude/Altitude: / /

    2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
     F-14 Tomcat
     F-15 Eagle
     F-16 Falcon
     F-117A Stealth
     Classified

    3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19 / /

    4. Serial Number:

    5. Please check where this product was purchased:
     Received as gift / aid package
     Catalog showroom
     Independent arms broker
     Mail order
     Discount store
     Government surplus
     Classified

    6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
     Heard loud noise, looked up
     Store display
     Espionage
     Recommended by friend / relative / ally
     Political lobbying by manufacturer
     Was attacked by one

    7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
     Speed / maneuverability
     Price / value
     Comfort / convenience
     Kickback / bribe
     Recommended by salesperson
     McDonnell Douglas reputation
     Advanced Weapons Systems
     Backroom politics
     Negative experience opposing one in combat

    8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
     Iraq
     North America
     Central / South America
     Iraq
     Europe
     Africa
     Iraq
     Asia / Far East
     Misc. Third World countries
     Iraq
     Aircraft carrier
     Classified

    9. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply
     Communist / Socialist
     Terrorist
     Crazed
     Neutral
     Democratic
     Dictatorship
     Corrupt
     Primitive / Tribal

    10. Your occupation:
     Homemaker
     Sales / marketing
     Revolutionary
     Clerical
     Mercenary
     Tyrant
     Middle management
     Eccentric billionaire
     Defense Minister / General
     Retired
     Student

    11. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
     Golf
     Boating / sailing
     Running / jogging
     Sabotage
     Propaganda / disinformation
     Destabilization / overthrow
     Black market / smuggling
     Collectibles / collections
     Watching sports on TV
     Interrogation / torture
     Household pets
     Crushing rebellions
     Espionage / reconnaissance
     Border disputes
     Mutually Assured Destruction
     Fashion clothing

    Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

  2. #2
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... BOOM

    How to give a cat a pill:
    1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

  3. #3
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... BOOM

    The Latest and the greatest in Tech. Support

    Computer Problem Report Form

    1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________________ ____ __________________________________________________ ____

    2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________________ ____ __________________________________________________ ____

    3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________________ ____ __________________________________________________ ____

    4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

    5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__

    6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

    7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

    8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

    9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

    10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

    11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

    12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

    13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

    14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

    15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

    16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________ ____ __________________________________________________ ____

    17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________ ___ __________________________________________________ ____

    l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? _________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____

    l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

    20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

    21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

    22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

    23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

    24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

    25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

    26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

    27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

  4. #4

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Heheh, these are hilarious!

    Aragorn

  5. #5
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Need help with the answering machine?

    Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    (Very fast Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

    Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

    I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

    (Recorded directly from AT&T The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    Now I lay me down to sleep;
    leave a message at the beep.
    If I die before I wake,
    remember to erase the tape.

    Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

    Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

    A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

    Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

    (Narrator's voice There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

    Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

  6. #6
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Tag Lines: Car Acronyms

    Acura: Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile

    Acura: All Cars Usually Require Adjustment

    Acura: Another Case of a Useless Requested Acronym?

    Audi: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

    Beetle: Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine

    BMW: Babbling Mechanical Wench

    BMW: Beastly Monstrous Wonder

    BMW: Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels

    BMW: Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

    BMW: Big Money Waste

    BMW: Blasphemous Motorized Wreck

    BMW: Born Moderately Wealthy.

    BMW: Broken Money Waster

    BMW: Broken Monstrous Wonder

    BMW: Brutal Money Waster

    Buick: Big Ugly Import Car Killer

    Buick: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

    Buick: Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean

    Camaro: Can't America Make A Real One?

    Camaro: Cool American Made Automobile, Runs Outstanding

    Chevrolet: Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

    Chevy: Charged Heavily

    Chevy: Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet

    Chrysler: Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs

    Chrysler: Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's

    Citroen: Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters

    Dodge: Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter

    Dodge: Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

    Dodge: Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere

    Datsun: Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips

    Fiat: F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.

    Fiat: Failure in Automotive Technology

    Fiat: Fix It Again Tony?

    Fiat: Fix It All the Time

    Ford: F**ked over rebuilt Dodge

    Ford: F**ker Only Runs Downhill

    Ford: F*ckin' Out-Right Dangerous

    Ford: Fix Or Repair Daily

    Ford: Found On Roadside Dump

    Ford: Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's

    Ford: F*ckin Owner Real Dumb!!

    Ford: (backwards)Driver Returns On Foot

    GM: General Mistake

    GMC: Garage Man's Companion

    GMC: Get More Chicks

    GMC: Got More Crap

    GMC: Got Mechanic Coming

    G.T.i.: Got Tossers Inside

    Honda: Helping Out Nips Destroying America

    Honda: How Odd-No Damn Acceleration

    Honda: Hold Overs Not Doing Anything

    Honda: Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile

    Honda: Hand Over Dollars to Asians

    Jaguar: Jews And Germans Usually Argue Retail

    Jeep: Junk Eletrical and Emissions Parts

    Jeep: Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole.

    Jeep: Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts

    Jeep: Jumps Everything Ever Parked

    Mazda: Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly

    Mopar: Most Often Passed At Races

    Mopar: Mostly Old Paint And Rust

    Mopar: Making A Zillion Dollars Annually

    Mopar: Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars

    Nissan: Now In Some Shitty Automobile Nightmare

    Nissan: Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon

    Oldsmobile: Oh Look Dammit, Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything

    Oldsmobile: Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel

    Pinto: Put In New Transmission Often

    Plymouth: Pontiac - Poor old ni**er thinks it's a Cadillac

    Plymouth: Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac

    Porsche: Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions

    Porsche: Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine

    Porsche: Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine

    Porsche: Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough

    Renault: Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash

    SAAB: Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies

    SAAB: Such an arrogant bastard!

    SAAB: Swedish Automobile - Always Broken

    Subaru: Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium

    Toyota: Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All

    Triumph: The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

    STP: Stop Those Pistons.

    BOW TIE: Big Over Weight Tired Impotent Engines

    NAPA: Never Any Parts Available.

  7. #7
    Mentor
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    1,473

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    We always said :

    Ford: Found On Raod Dead


    On that tech support Questionaire 90% of the people that work here wont beable to answer most of those questions!!!!!

    This is the funniest part of the survey:

    17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________ ___ __________________________________________________ ____

    l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? _________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____








  8. #8
    Guest

    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Fun from the Tech support frontlines:

    CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?


    Customer: "I want to get the new Netscape from you people."
    Tech Support: "I'll need to charge your account $30."
    Customer: "What do you mean? I pay for this service."
    Tech Support: "We're providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us, so we have to charge you."
    Customer: "Well, my son is a socialist and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to say to that?"

    Uh....

    Customer: "I thought so." [click]



    Tech Support: "Hi, this is tech support. I was returning your support call."
    Customer: "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public."


    Once I had a guy bring in two polaroid pictures of screen shots of his computer. He claimed they were "before" and "after" shots and wanted us to diagnose his computer problems by looking at the pictures. They looked the same to us -- but we kept them and posted them in the back area with a $1000 dollar reward to anyone who could diagnose the problem that way.



    This morning I tried to sign on and for a purple screen. After several tried with different browsers then I got the message you were down. I tried to exit. It went to a background with huge pixels and stuck. I mean no amount of rebooting would get rid of it. Finally I had to reset my wallpaper.



    Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?"
    Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don't think we could do that."


    I work for a large ISP. In the middle of a call, suddenly there was a piercing high pitched beeping noise in the background.

    Me: "What is that noise?"
    Customer: "Hey Martinez!! I'm on the phone! Cut it out!"
    Me: "What was that?"

    Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

    Me: "What is that noise?"
    Customer: "It's from a device."
    Me: "What kind of device?"
    Customer: "I don't know."
    Me: "Like a fax machine or something?"
    Customer: "I don't know. Someone is under house arrest or something."


    Back in 1998, I was going through the employment section of the newspaper and found this:

    "Applicant must have 5 years experience with Windows 95."


    Enjoy

  9. #9
    Moderator
    Good Guru
    Compunuts's Avatar
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    May 2001
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    California
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    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Damn... Those are so funny... Thank you Lovechild....

  10. #10
    Mentor
    Join Date
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    Re: Joke thread... Proof that I'm insane

    Thank you for making me smile.

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