Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: PROJECT: LINUXBOX

  1. #1
    Mentor
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    1,159
    TOOLS YOU WILL NEED:

    (1) 22 degree plastic collated full-round-head nail Round Head Framing Nailer Kit
    (17) 'M' Style Quick Coupler: 1/4" Female Plugs
    (31) Bottles of beer on the wall
    (1) 15x15x15" piece of plywood
    (1) Trowel Trade Tools 13602 Pattern Pistol Gun & Hopper
    (1) IR1033 3/8" Stubby Standard Duty Air Ratchet Wrench
    (2) 8 Gallon Wheeled Portable Compressors (or (3) 6 Gallon Wheeled Portable Compressors)
    (560) Feet of Redlined Streamcoil Cable
    (19) 1/8" Metal rod dowel flanges
    (1) Loaded shotgun
    (12) Blessed silver bullets (in case werewolves attack you while modifying the unit)
    (10) 1/16" Wooden metal dowel rod flanges
    (2) 100" x 100" patches of piecework carbonplated stretch fabric
    (9) 1/17" Doweled metal flanging rods
    (10) 5-gallon buckets of flame retardant paint remover
    (2) Trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels
    (1) Garden hose
    (14) White ghosting removal plates ((15) if unit used is Canadian Xbox)
    (6) 5/19" Plench
    (10) Various markers used to mark various things
    (25) Feet of PVC piping (20" diameter)
    (100) Feet of Yorba Linda certified water pressure component hose (w/ valve and routing attachments)
    (21) Tubes of E-Poxy Permanent Bonding Solution Glue (blue variety)
    (1) Decal of retarded Linux Penguin that you placed on your computer box to show everybody how cool and alternative you were by running a "non mainstream" OS
    (1) Strand of Michael J. Fox's hair

    TOOLS YOU WILL NOT NEED:

    (2) Leeches

    INSTRUCTIONS:

    Step One: Place a 15x15x15" piece of plywood on the floor of your garage, making sure to remove all flammable materials and objects before even thinking about doing anything else. If necessary, store all flammable materials and objects inside the room of a sleeping family member or friend. Use one of your various markers to draw a 2" border surrounding the "construction zone" inside the plywood which will dedicate this area to the construction of the Power Matrix Unit Converter (referred to as the "Combine Retrograft" from Steps Five - Nine). Place all tools behind a fireproof steel wall to ensure they do not come into contact during arc welding process or when primary IDE controller is converted to WarpOS/2 - BeOS compatible drive. Make sure to have your primary secondary boot disc (correctly partitioned as mentioned in preface of tech spec article 1290.128-A.02 - 2023.192-C.10. By rotating the lower top 1/8" metal rod dowel flange 24 degrees counterclockwise, the Xbox console boot sequence should engage as mentioned in previously referred tech spec articles which can be found online by using the Internet or the World Wide Web, whichever is faster at the time. Keep in mind that this procedure could take up to 40 minutes due to the size of the Xbox (lol, the Xbox is so gigantic, lol).



    Attach 200 feet of the Redlined Streamcoil Cable to the Proximation Processing Device (PPC) and siphon the extra voltage through the garden hose, depositing it into a safe body of water or nearby individual who believes they want some additional voltage. This process can take between 10 minutes or 10 months depending on the spacing of slip planes in the metal rod dowel flange, so make sure all units are properly crystallized before beginning to assemble the PPC's backup unit. Once the reversal procedure has been completed on the PPC, use your PVC piping to route passenger baggage to the claim terminal located in section A-20.

    NOTE: AT THIS POINT THE VOLTAGE SWITCH SHOULD BE SET TO "10 SMS" AND MUST NOT BE SET TO "10 MSM" WHICH WILL RESULT IN UNIT FAILURE AND POSSIBLE BODILY HARM. DO NOT WEAR GLOVES DURING THIS PROCESS.


    Step Two: Twist the 5/19" Plench to release the Satisfactory Benchmark Application Unit (SatBAU) and attach its rotary head welding joint to both trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels, which should be ideally coated in at least 1" of Epoxy Permanent Bonding Solution Glue and coated with animal hair to boost electrical resistance to granule deposit. At no point in time should you release the Plench or lessen pressure to the Redlined Streamcoil Cable, as doing so may cause the Caustic Interruption Relay Device (CauIntReD) to flash red / red / green instead of the industry standard red / green / green. Failure to notice this will result in a $2,000 fine or four months in jail without the possibility of parole. Use a marker to mark something on something else, such as the plywood. Remember where you made this mark for step eleventeen, which requires a magnetic field capable of lifting a standard compact car. Do not ask any friends or relatives to sit in the compact car during testing methods, as the rotational dialysis of magnetic field could result in immediate death or worse. Wrap the unused end of the Redlined Streamcoil Cable to the CauIntReD analogue toggle, which should result in the red / red / red combination. If your Xbox is flashing either red / red / green or green / red / red at this point, you should abandon your workspace and think about assuming a new identity and moving to a new state.

    Your trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels should now be heating up to a temperature around 90 degrees centigrade (17 degrees Farrakhan, 1922039 degrees Calvin). Use the 8 Gallon Wheeled Portable Compressors to direct airflow in a counterclockwise direction around the CauIntReD unit, which should now be displaying the previous red / red / green readout. If yours differs, your unit is haunted and should be given to a priest. The SatBAU will now release the Plench, which should ideally fall and land on your foot. Your garden hose should now be completely melted due to internal heat problems with the Xbox (lol because the Xbox is so huge, lol!).

    Remove the secondary primary drive and insert the repartitioned primary secondary drive as a temporary replacement during bootup procedure initialization. Note that the bootup procedure initialization will differ from the bootup initialization procedure, which has been removed for legal and moral reasons. During this step, all plastic and non-plastic materials should be covered with flame retardant paint remover, as this will ensure an easy and pain free rotational release chamber transplant. Keep in mind that the RAM inside the Xbox is located directly across from the Sensory Imputation Emoticon CPU, so a set of tweezers may be necessary to implement the following changes:

    SWIVEL 1: 19"
    SWIVEL 2-8: 11" (reversed as in before)
    PUNCHOUT 4: Out
    PUNCHIN 1: Out / In
    INPUT OUTPUT: On
    OFF: On

    Each change in the SIECPU will result in the BIOS being Flashed, so beware of the creepy guy wearing the trenchcoat who is staring at you during this procedure. Remove the Interior IDE Cable and replace it with a 100" x 100" patch of piecework carbonplated stretch fabric that has the words "LOL THE XBOX IS SO BIG LOL" written across it with one of your various markers. The other patch of piecework carbonplated stretch fabric will be used in step The Negative World, which can be accessed by jumping over the exit tube in world 1-2. Use the Epoxy Permanent Bonding Solution Glue to adhere the 'M' Style Quick Coupler: 1/4" Female Plug to the circuit displacement application device, which should now be emitting a horrible screeching sound and shooting flames.



    NOTE: AT THIS POINT THE VOLTAGE SWITCH SHOULD BE SET TO "10 MSM" AND MUST NOT BE SET TO "10 SMS" WHICH WILL RESULT IN UNIT FAILURE AND POSSIBLE BODILY HARM. WEAR GLOVES DURING THIS PROCESS BUT NOT A HAIRNET, AS THE HAIRNET COULD BE CAUGHT IN THE VENTILATION FAN.

    Step Three: (Removed by request of Microsoft legal team)

    Step Four: At this point, the Xbox should be booting to the Linux Fat33 Partitioning Screen. The output cable (which under NO circumstances should be touching the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels) should now be adjusted to touch the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels. Video output will be sent through the Dynamic Output Resolution Receiver (DORR) and decoded by the assembly feedback reading unit. Hard boot to the BIOS screen with the following code:

    UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, A, B, B, A, SELECT, START

    If successful, the screen will now display a rotating red cube with the face of one of the three "Where's the Beef?" dead hags from the 1980s textured across the sides. If you do not see this image, toggle the In Out Output switch to route power through the grated effort transponder, which is currently located in southern Ohio. Select the "Repair Drive" option and then wait for three to nine days for shipping and handling (LOL, it takes so long because the Xbox is so large, haha lol!). During this time, occasionally visit the unit and speak to it in a calm, soothing voice. Reassure it regarding its sexual prowess and ability to solve difficult mathematical problems. Once the drive has been repaired, you are now ready to transmit the Linux operating system to your new unit, byte by byte.

    Release the plench and reapply pressure to the SIECPU so permanent changes will revert temporarily. The BIOS should now be in a state ready to receive operational data from the DBS datastream that you set up in step three, "Return to Hazzard County." Replace the PVC with PPC and replace the PPC gradually with the SatBAU connection cord, which should now be flailing about like a retarded child in a hailstorm. The data bitstream will be compromised if you fail to remove the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels at the correct time that the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels are supposed to be removed. Under no circumstances should an aggressive or hostile stance be used when completing the proceeding step.

    NOTE: AT THIS POINT THE VOLTAGE SWITCH SHOULD BE SET TO ".10 MSM" AND MUST NOT BE SET TO "1.0 SMS" WHICH WILL RESULT IN UNIT FAILURE AND POSSIBLE BODILY HARM. DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING DURING THIS PROCESS, AS YOU MAY DISRUPT THE HARMONIC DIVULGENCE BETWEEN YOUR AURA AND THE XBOX, WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING HUGE, LOL, IT'S BIG.

    Step Five: Your 15x15x15" should now be on fire and the Xbox should be rotating on the Utility Display Enclave you created with the 22 degree plastic collated full-round-head nail Round Head Framing Nailer Kit. If the Xbox fails to rotate correctly, call a physician immediately and DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE VORTEX THAT IS BEING CREATED BENEATH THE XBOX'S ROTATIONAL PATTERN. THE VORTEX WILL CREATE PLEASING SHAPES AND COLORS THAT COULD CAUSE PERMANENT PARALYSIS. Wrap 14 inches of the PVC PPC PVP across the flange rotary phaser and set all variables to "Automatic Buster" which will drop the area effect temperature by 50 degrees Farahfaucett.

    NOTE: AT THIS POINT YOU MAY BE DEAD. IF SO, PLEASE DISCONTINUE PROJECT "LINU-XBOX" AT ONCE AND SEEK MEDICAL HELP.

    Step Six:

    Step Seven: Congratulations, you are now only 76 steps away from having Linux running on your Xbox! You're 7/83rds of the way there! Use 46 Feet of Yorba Linda certified water pressure component hose (w/ valve and routing attachments) to retract pressure from the IR1033 3/8" Stubby Standard Duty Air Ratchet Wrench, which one of your neighbors should have asked to borrow by now. Fix the application pressure level to an acceptable standard as required by your local county law. This level will have a direct dependence on the effects of your XBox's saving throw vs. alchemy, so be sure to obtain the proper legal forms before inserting the retractable hexagonal diametric system into the SIECPU or else area effect damage may occur.



    You may notice ice crystals beginning to form on the Lead Retrieval System underlining the base of the XBox's Transformation and Molestation GPU. This is normal and should be expected unless you are using an inferior brand of Teflon microbe repellent spray. To counteract these effects, apply the valve and routing attachment to the SIECPU's waste mechanism, which should ideally be seated in the children's wading pool full of empty beer cans in your backyard.

    Step Eight: (Removed by request of Microsoft Legal Pope)

    Step Nine: IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ!!! THIS STEP IS CRITICAL TO

    (steps nine through 82 destroyed in fire which killed our lead engineer)

    Step 83: Congratulations! Your Xbox should now successfully run Linux! You now have the potential to run any game from the seemingly unlimited selection of Linux-exclusive games, which include "Move the Red Boxes to the Right" and "Bill Gates is a Fag, LOL!" which were created in under 15 minutes by men who weigh 650 pounds and spend all day on IRC. Make sure to keep your Necessary Optional Power Generation Unit operational at all times or else your Xbox will detonate and send white-hot plastic shards of death through your fleshy skull. You have now shown the world how remarkably intelligent and resourceful you are by turning a functioning game unit into a nonfunctioning black box which can do something with tarballs or whatever. Make sure to stick your precious Linux penguin sticker on the console so everybody else is aware of what a stud you are. For the final step, use (1) loaded shotgun to blow your head up because if you have so much free time you can spend days, weeks, or months trying to install a different operating system on a game console which would render it completely useless, you really deserve to donate your brain fragments to the plaster wall behind you.

    We hope you enjoy your brand new plastic hunk of Linux!

    Source: Something awful - http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=352

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    81
    Okay so this involved electronics and messing with circuits.. and I hate that. What's the point of this anyway? I don't understand it lol

  3. #3
    Mentor
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    1,159
    A fully operational computer in 200 bucks is the only point.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    399
    First post too long can't breath trying to read it all to long to read. Nice find Genny.

  5. #5
    Mentor
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    1,159
    It was waka's find, I only composed it here just to show him that this is how a post is made

  6. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Compton
    Posts
    102
    Yeah, I'll do that from now on, just thought the people should see it in it's home.

  7. #7
    Mentor
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    1,159
    You can always give proper links back to the original article, like this....

    Originally posted by genesis@Jan 1 2005, 06:27 PM
    Source: Something awful - http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=352
    [snapback]920[/snapback]

Similar Threads

  1. Project Looking Glass
    By catch in forum Linux - Software, Applications & Programming
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 03-22-2005, 05:47 AM
  2. IBM's Folding Project
    By BurntAsh in forum Linux - Software, Applications & Programming
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-23-2004, 10:51 AM
  3. what's your project?
    By Gruntled in forum Linux - Software, Applications & Programming
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 07-09-2004, 06:19 AM
  4. Project
    By friskydrifter in forum General Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 01-28-2004, 01:52 AM
  5. Sun and Project Mad Hatter
    By coltrane in forum General Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 08-28-2003, 05:20 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •