August 1The first time I hitchhiked I got beat up. I used the wrong finger!
August 2My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me cigars!
August 3When my wife was pregnant, I told her, I said, "Honey, if it looks like you, it'll be beautiful." She said, "If it looks like you, it'll be a miracle."
August 4My wife told me she's going to run away from home. Luckily I live in a cliff!
August 5I did a show, the whole audience was gay. I did great! I mean AFTER the show!
August 6I'm gettin' old. A girl asked me if I wanted to have some super sex. I took the soup!
August 7I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He said, "How long has this been going on?" I told him, "Since I was a puppy."
August 8I tell you, my psychiatrist's a beauty, he told me I got a split personality and from now on I have to pay him twice. Oh, my wife, she's happy I got a split personality, yeah, she likes two guys at once.
August 9People have too much hate. I hear guys talk, they don't like their mother-in-law, they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law - it's her daughter I can't stand!
August 10I worked a nightclub. The boss told me he'd pay me under the table - I waited after two hours, he never showed up!
August 11They took a survey - why men get up in the middle of the night. Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and ninety percent get up to go home!
August 12My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch!
August 13I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!
August 14I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years I taught her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."
August 15I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike, we got problems. I wanna go see a marriage counselor and she wants to go on the Jerry Springer show!
August 16I tell you, sex with my wife is ridiculous. Why her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
August 17The other night, I told my wife, "I hurt my little pinky." She said, "It's all right. We're not gonna have sex anyway."
August 18Last night my wife told me, people can look in our bathroom, she's gonna buy shades. I told her, "Let 'em look. They'll buy the shades."
August 19Last night I had a dream I took a walk down memory lane and my wife was working.
August 20Oh, my wife can't cook at all. I got the only dog - he begs for Alka-Seltzer.
August 21Oh, I'm not a sexy guy. On my wedding night, my wife said, "Hey, honey, this is it?" I said, "Honey, that WAS it."
August 22I asked my wife, I said, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping!"
August 23I bought a waterbed. I went to grab my wife - she drifted away.
August 24I told my wife, "How come when we kiss your eyes are always open?" She told me she's on the look out for her boyfriend.
August 25I saw a place it had a sign: Topless, Bottomless. I went inside, there was no one there!
August 26My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.
August 27My wife and I, all we do is fight about sex. Well, the other night we had it out - nah, put it this way, I had it out.
August 28I went back to my hometown. I wanted to visit all my old school teachers when I was a kid. All I had to make was one stop - the cemetery.
August 29I tell you, my wife, she keeps me in line - no matter how many guys are ahead of me.
August 30I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.
August 31Last week my wife told me to go to hell. I told her, "You're too late. I'm already there."